keep wondering.

I love to look at people in love.
The look they have in their eyes when they look at each other.
The way they interlock their fingers.
The way he puts his hands around her waist and pulls her close.
Their silent communication.
The way he smells her hair and kisses her lightly.

Then I wonder if they will ever stop loving each other. I silently hope they don’t, because they look so blissful together. I hope they can be like this forever.

“You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.

You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
-Bob Marley

but,

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
- C.S. Lewis

To be vulnerable, to love, and to risk having your heart broken and getting scarred; in exchange for those blissful moments you can never find elsewhere. Maybe it’s worth it. But…maybe not.

Nice dinner tonight. Still the one person I can talk to about all the shit and he can call me stupid for all I care and I won’t give a damn. Ah I love sushi and ice-cream! I’ve been patronizing Haagen Dazs so much I think they should give me a loyalty card. Even the Wisma’s branch staff recognizes me. How amazing.

I totally conceded defeat to not shopping until I clear my clothes today. I already lost my challenge in the shoes department last week. And today (or yesterday, actually), I felt that if I don’t add another piece of clothing to my wardrobe, I will feel so miserable! So into F21 I went and of course I didnt leave the shop empty handed.
Well, at least I make much more sensible purchases nowadays.

I can’t tell you how much I love my
Wednesdays! I have things planned at least for the next 3 Wednesdays and that’s just perfect. At least I feel good about this because I’m working but also pretty much enjoying myself! Having my cake and eating it.

Judging from the amount of good food I’ve been gorging myself with, it will be a wonder if I don’t grow fat. Plus I keep eating and eating in office, because I’m always so sleepy! I bumped into an ex-workmate whom I hasn’t seen for at least a year ytd and she commented that I lost a lot of weight. Like drastic. (This is despite the fact that I have put on weight over the last few weeks.) And so I think I must have been really really fat last time then! Urggggh. CANNOT.GROW.FAT. Being fat, is just…awful. I have an acquaintance (ok, she is more than an acquaintance in fact. But because I don’t really have a good impression of her, so I prefer to maintain that she is just an acquaintance), who doesn’t care about her unhealthy diet at all despite being obviously overweight. She’d finish her own pack of fries, and once I had half
a pack leftover and she asked me if I still wanted it and when I said no, she finished it. It’s not just about how you look, but it’s unhealthy to be overweight! I know this might be very judgmental, but I wouldn’t trust a person who don’t seem to bother put in any effort to portray a positive image of themself and take care of their body, as much. If you cannot take care of yourself, how can people trust you to take care of their matters?
Sometimes, when I see people jogging or exercising, I feel very happy because people bother to stay healthy and I feel like going up to them and tell them to keep it up. hahaha. I am such a joke. I suppose this could be why I enjoy sports volunteering as well. Seeing people do things that makes me happy.

Results are out and it’s annoying me how other people are more concerned about my results than I am. I am feeling fortunate I passed my killer mod. Other than that, I am quite disappointed with some of it, and I just blame it on the bellcurve crap. That is total bullshit and unfair. I am not good enough for this game. This game, no fun. I don’t want to play anymore.

On the other issues of my life, everything is pretty much in place now. If things could stay this way for longer. But sadly, I know I’m not a lucky enough person for it to happen. Sorry, I lost faith. I constantly remind myself that happiness is an allegory (as Tolstoy said), so that when it all ends, it’s easier
to accept that I’m just going back to living my story of unhappiness.

I am enjoying my holidays life so much more than my school life. Going to work makes more sense than going for lessons to me. Although this job is not my ideal job, but well, school is just not my thing, really.
The things I don’t like about the job is ridiculous:
-No nice, atas office like the one on the 32nd floor I liked.
-Location is *shake head*. I mean okay, it’s not thattt bad. But by my standards, all offices should be like located a places like that of Shenton Way or something.
-Mostly Chinese speaking and not the kind of Singaporean Chinese I speak. And I feel retarded sometimes cos I have my thoughts in English, then I have to translate it in Chinese in my
head, before speaking because the wrong things always come out from my mouth if I don’t translate it in my head first! (Especially when speaking to native Chinese speaking ppl.)
Ideally, people should converse in English at work! We are in Singapore, not Chinapore, ok?
-The programme is still manual. I think they should just invest and change everything to computerized. It’s 2012, not 1995.
-Lunch is always hawker center food. Hawker center food is okay, but to eat in a hawker center is just urgggggg.
But then again, I’ll be here for just another 2 months, so that’s fine.

It’s been tiring because I’ve tuition most days after work. Plus my weekends are occupied by tuition too. It’s like working 6 days a week because only Wednesdays are off. And I think it was a good decision I made to work a 4 day week for my job because I’m really glad to have Wednesday off to do the things I like. (Afterall, it’s holidays!) But my bro commented that, ‘Your 4 days work-week is ridiculous! It’s like working on Monday and Tuesday to fund your spendings on Wednesday, and then go back to work on Thursday and Friday to fund your spendings for the weekends.’ But that’s only half true because I spend lavishly usually only on Wednesday and not so much for the weekends since I have less time to spend during the weekends. On a side note, I’m trying my best to cut down on this lavish lifestyle – expensive food, excessive shopping and mindless spending. The food part is not working out yet, but the excessive shopping is so much better now. Over the last 2 weeks, I think I only bought 2 pieces of clothing and I didnt buy any makeup! (and no new shoes too!) What an improvement!

Recently, after hearing from a few people, I open up another viable option for the future. And really makes me have this impulse thought to just quit school and pursue this right away. You have no idea how much I don’t want to stay here. Everyday I go out, I see the people, I see the places, I experience the system, and in my head I’ll be thinking ‘I’m not going to stay in this place forever.’ or ‘If I ever have kids, I’m not letting them grow up in a place like this.’

Here, everything just looks good on the surface. And people like to go like, ‘You don’t know how lucky you are
to be here.’ But that’s only because they’re looking at the surface of
things! Of course, there are pros and cons to everything, but if I think the pros outweigh the cons somewhere else, why not?

And I’m telling myself, if I’m staying here, I’m going to create a different environment, for myself at least. I don’t want to live the kind of life I look at others living now and shudder at the thought of that if I have to live my life like theirs.

Maybe this is like what they call counting your chicken before they are hatched. But oh wells, if I don’t succeed, I can only laugh at my own failure then.

I think the old saying of ‘to be satisfied with what you have’ doesn’t apply anymore. I agree that you should count your blessings and be grateful for what you have. But the traditional people are wrong with being satisfied
with what you have. Shouldn’t it be ‘be grateful for what you have, but keep seeking for what you don’t.’ instead?
I’m quite damn sure this makes perfect sense.

What does it takes to be a perfect human, exactly? And what is a perfect human?

A perfect human knows everything. He or she don’t ever need to ask a question and can answer any question he is asked. Perfectly social smart, and never a moment of awkwardness. Does everything right and precise. Every single detail of his life is faultless. So flawless, you’ll wonder how. He never has an issue with money. Buys what he wants and has everything he wants; never the need for anything more than he has already – for he already possesses everything he desires. A perfect human also possesses the perfect looks and body. Well-defined features, all in the right proportion. Smooth and shampoo-advertisement worthy hair. Perfect skin. Never made a fashion mistake and always dressed to kill.

But this perfect human is empty. He has everything – knowledge, social skills, wealth, looks etc, but is he really happy? There is nothing left to desire, no questions to ask and nothing left to desire. Does he knows love? Or perhaps this perfect human might lack the ability to love?

Or should a perfect human be one who is happy. Satisfied with life. Enjoys life. Knows the meaning of life thus live life to the fullest. Afterall, a human is one who lives a life, so to live a life well, is to be a perfect human.

Or perhaps the perfect human is one who is imperfect, for there is nothing that is perfect in the world. Thus to embrace and accept imperfection is in fact, perfection. He sees beyond the flaws and discovers the essence of life. And is happy too. Yes, happy. Because he is able to embrace and accept those imperfections.

My picture of a perfect human for myself is too much. I want too much, I expect too much. It’s hard to accept imperfection and every flawed detail of my life, just seems to kill me a little every time it happens. Someday, it will kill me from the inside altogether. I want to be the perfect human who have everything, yet still retains the passion to seek more, to find more. I want to be the perfect human who is happy and knows how to love and be loved. Truly enjoy life and live life like I really do. I don’t want to live to die. But I also want to be the perfect human who can embrace and accept the flaws. How contradicting.

It is the picture that you have inside your head of how a perfect ‘you’ should be, yet you can’t be that perfect person you want to be; and that is what kills you.

Then you ask yourself, “Why?” Why aren’t I the perfect person I want to be? Why aren’t I happy? Why can’t I find love? And you never ever have an answer for the ‘why’s you asked yourself. And that is imperfect. Because a perfect human never has a question he can’t answer.

Nature walk #1 yesterday with Rach ytd was a success! It was fun and I can’t wait for my #2, 3, 4 & 5! Anyone who wants to join me, please tell me! It is actually quite nice to do this sometimes, get away from all the concrete and experience nature. Go look at butterflies (okay, the correct phrase should be chase butterflies, but I think I’m too old for that; might trip and fall), squirrels (we saw a couple!), special looking birds (saw a few!) and honeystar-shaped leaves.

So we started from Mount Faber, went all the way up, continued towards Hendersons wave and then to Terrace Garden before we headed back to Vivo. Along the way, we discovered a nice (more than nice, in fact! I really liked that place!) bar cafe where we stopped to have Benny eggs with waffles (yummmmyyyy!!!!). And I sipped some Alkaff Shandy which is quite special – some kind of beer which has a hint of lime in it; and Rachel had a Iced Latte. Perfect tai-tai life. We rested at Pacific Coffee where we decided to have sushi before going off.

Such a wonderful day – no upcoming exams, holidays, off day and a great day out with my dear girlfriend. Perfect.

Work is so far so good. Of course, I only have one case now cos it’s only my third day back tmr.

I finally proclaim the death of my laptop today. Haven’t used it for a few days and when I tried to switch it on just now (wanted to upload the beautiful pictures we took yesterday with my camera!), it just couldn’t be switched on. Nothing. No light, no sound, not the slightest hint that it might be revived. So.super.sad. It just died. Like that. Now my pay is going towards a new MacBook. Sigh. :(

We’ve talking more recently. and meeting more. I’m trying my best to get on with life as normal as I can. Go out. Go to work. Have fun. Be happy (or try to be). But this is just not helping at all. You’re always there. Everything and anything can remind me of you. From a cup of coffee, to a piece of toast, to rugby, to the iron, to my starhub cable tv box, to my dresses, to my super bear, to beer. Everything. I feel sour. Unhappy. Unjust. About how things turned out this way.
But I’m not asking for anything. I’m not fighting for anything either. I don’t want to break anything up or maybe, I am just afraid to find out that I’m not worth it. If it’s mine, it’s mine. If it’s not, well, then, it’s not! But it’s never that simple!
Words that used to tingle my heart like ‘I miss you’ and ‘I think of you’; now, it just hurts when I hear them. Because everything, every single thing, just don’t make sense anymore. I am just holding on to emptiness. To something that’s impossible. Like a dream which will never happen.

Funny, isn’t it? The most beautiful thing that ever happened to me, is now something that’s causing so much hurt. The paradox of life.

And so said Leo Tolstoy, ‘Happiness is an allegory, unhappiness a story.’
How true. And how so applicable too.